Tuesday, 31 August 2010

WOW... Thats a huge sword!

I love the internet, you can find out anything you would ever want to know in about a minute and also find some things that you never, ever wanted to know about. It's made communication so much better, easier and faster and opened the whole world's eyes to new things. It was men's simple desire to see naked chicks on a computor screen that started the whole thing!

The internet can be good for online relationships or bad. On the one hand, you have online dating websites that can bring people together because they wouldn't be able to go outside and meet people in person, because of shyness, body issues or disability - which is a good thing. Then you have the desperate, pervy men. (And it always is men)

For example; I was innocently playing an online game which is aimed at a large range of ages, the box says 12+. I was strolling down a street minding my own business when someone whispered to me: 'Do you wnat to earn 50gold?', now that's a lot of money in this game; it would take me about 6 weeks to earn that much money on my own. So I replied 'For doing what?', I thought he was going to ask me to summon a portal or spell or something, but no... 'take all of your armour off for 2-3mins'. Yeah, I'm going to stand my character there naked for 3 mins so you can jerk off... What if I was a 12 year old girl? Sick.

I mean, some people you meet online are ok, but most are horny guys wanting some action. Take the website Chatroulette, for example. The whole point in this site is to see people in their own homes, at their computer screens, and it's a lucky 5 minutes if there isn't a penis on screen. I just don't get how this kind of thing can be legal, since a child of any age could go onto this website and see hardcore, live porn. We never had all this growing up, thank god!

Although there are some dodgey bits of the internet (two girls one cup), I think it's positives outweigh the negatives. Oh yes, and tell your little sister to stop putting pouty images of her self on facebook, you never know who's looking.

A little rant bought on by a bad experience on World of Warcraft...

Sunday, 29 August 2010

Lauren Reviews: The expendables

Wow, that was a crazy movie. There were so many explosions near the end I actuually got de-sensitised and drifted off into my own thoughts. But anyway, start at the beginning Lauren....

So the line up for the movie was pretty awesome, and you actually got Arnie and Sylvester on screen together which is just cool! There were some jibes about other movies that they had been in too and a personal jibe at Arnie about him wanting to be president which was quite funny! Apart from Sylvester Stallone, who is the main charcter, there was Jason Statham, Terry Crews (who I love), Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture and Stone Cold Steve Austin! So quite a line up there...

My favourite character was Jason Statham aka Christmas, just because of his knife throwing skills and the scene where he beats up like 6 guys on his own, he powns them! My favourite gun was the AA12 that Terry Crews (Caeser) is packing. I didn't even believe that gun was real! It;s like a shotgun with an automatic shot rate, and my god was it effective at blowing random goons to pieces!

Now, Stallone's face... Well there were quite a few close ups of him and man, he's not pretty. I mean he must have have some work done on that thing, he's starting to look like his mother! Especially his lips, when he was talking, his lips were flopping all over the place like a dead fish. But to his credit, he is still badass. Although, I did cringe when his love interest in the story was looking lovingly into his eyes... I don't think he is believable as someone you would want want to kiss, anymore.

Also, Mickey Rourke. His face is a bad as Stallone's, maybe worse. It was a bit sad I thought, to get all these old guys with plastic surgery on screen together, even Arnie was looking a bit worse for wear. But Bruce Willis was looking fine, for his age, I mean I still would...

I also liked the goons that were painted up in battle paints, they looked pretty scary. Although one of the characters asks why he has painted them up to look so stupid, I was like dude, if they ran up to you out of the shadows with a massive gun blazing, you would shit yourself too!

The battle with Stone Cold Steve Austin and Randy Couture was pretty cool, both known wrestlers/fighters you just knew they were going to have a face off! Also, Dolph Lundgren looked pretty wrecked in this movie, although he was supposed to be a junkie so I guess he was just in charcacter. At one point Dolph looks taller than Stone Cold which I thought wasn't possible, I mean Stone Cold is the biggest, baddest mutha trucker out there!!

So overall, I would say that the movie was quite enjoyable, but I wouldn't have gone to the cinema to watch if it wasn't for my boyfriend dragging me there. There's alot of action and explosions but there isn't any character development and I wouldnt have cared if any of the characters died. The highlights are Arnie and Stallone together and Terry Crews going crazy with his automatic shotgun. If I had to give a score it would be a 6 out of 10, but I think that maybe men would enjoy it more, since my boyfriend did.

See you next time

Superfluous Nipples

P.E. at school, I hated it. It was the worst lesson ever and I hated it with a passion! I was skinny and I smoked, so the thought of running or exerting myself just seemed like a waste of time, 'I'm skinny! Why do I need excersise??'. Plus the shouts of 'Lauren, if you miss this shot I am gonna lamp ya after school!' didn't help to encourage my enthusiasm. I did, however, enjoy skiving off P.E. or forging a letter from my mom: 'Lauren has a stomach ache today so she can't take part in netball/basketball/swimming' - delete here.

Our school has a swimming pool, which is pretty cool, unless you are a 12-16 year old with body issues and annoying boys shouting comments at you like 'no tits' or 'flat' (yeah, not very imaginative, those boys). So, needless to say, swimming lessons were a horrifying prospect and I would do anything to get out of it. Skiving on school grounds, outside the grounds, in the changing rooms, even just sitting out the lesson was better than taking part!

Cross country was another crappy activity that we were forced to do. Especially because in England it rains more often than a fat kid eats a bag of crisps. To be honest, we mostly just walked it and had a quick ciggie on the way round and yes we were always last. My shoe got properly stuck in a mud squelch once, it was horrible because my shoe was in a sinkhole and my foot was just dangling there in a pure white sock, and I couldnt move or get free. I ended up covered head to toe in mud then the teacher was annoyed because I was nearly last, I wonder what the ones behind me were doin then??

We did have some good lessons though, outdoor tennis. The only reason they were good though was because we used to fight each other with tennis rackets, and I don't mean playfight, I mean properly smacking girls that I didn't like really hard. Those were the good old days... I remember once this girl who always annoyed me was being particularly annoying, so I caught her around the face with a whistle. I do regret it but she was just annoying the crap out of me!

Now the changing rooms are another matter alltogether... They were the place where arguements started and finished, girls judged each other on the size of their boobs, fights were planned for after school and your money and valubles were never safe. I remember that someone once went into my coat pocket, took my money and my last ciggie, now that was just uncalled for!

A girl came up to me once in the changing rooms when we were alone and told me she had a third nipple. I was like, 'ok...' so I asked her if I could see it, I was quite excited because I thought it would be like another nipple or boob like in total recall.... And it was inbetween the other two boobs, but to be honest I was dissapointed because it just looked like a spot or a wart or something. Oh well, maybe that's just a nickname; there aren't any real third nipples it's just a name for a bibble of skin that sort of resembles a nipple because it's by the boobs.

Well, if anyone would like to comment on this post please do and I will be back with more interesting (or not) stories.

Saturday, 28 August 2010


Hangovers... You've got to love em. They are always there after a night out, ready to let you know you are still human... If we didn't have hangovers, I think people would be alcoholics all over the world! You would wake up from an awesome night of partying and there would nothing stopping you from drinking straight away when you wake up! Wouldn't that be awesome?

Well, I know that when I am hungover the thought of beer makes me want to throw up, also the smell of last night's astray is nasty! The two things that you always want to do is drink some water to get rid of dry mouth, and shovel food into your gob, it makes you feel so much better! I call it 'hungover hunger'...

The best food I find for a hangover is a bacon or sausage sandwich! Mmmmmmmmm, can't get enough of that grease!! Apparently, eating beetroot is the best thing that you can eat for a hangover, or bananas, but you never crave good stuff! Now an awesome sausage sandwich must consist of Walls sausages, white bread with HP brown sauce and a runny fried egg! Heaven!

Someone once said to me that they didn't eat the ends of sausages because it was cruel... I was like, excuse me?? Cruel?? Do you think that the ends of sausages are where the head and bumhole used to be??? It's a freakin sausage, just ground up meats inside a skin.... Yeah thats cruel.

Anyway, please share your hangover tips or stories, I would like to get some posts!

See you soon peeps!

Friday, 27 August 2010


I have always had a fond relationship with beer (well alcohol), ever since my first experience at sipping from the old devil. It was when I was about 13 and, well, kids want to experiment with anything that is forbidden, or naughty, so alcohol was one of those things that adults would tell you 'not until you are older!' . Anyway, me and two friends really wanted to try and 'get drunk' after hearing about rumors of a 'tipsy' feeling, and adults always seemed to enjoy this 'tipsyness' so we thought we would try it out for ourselves. Obviously, I had never tried alcohol before and thought that the idea seemed very romantic and grown up, and I so wanted to be grown up at the time.

I'm not sure how we knew about the whole shot, salt and lemon malarky, maybe we saw it on tv or something, but that is what we attempted to do... My friend's parents were out one night and she invited us over and after a short period of searching the cupboards for anything illicit, we came upon a utopian collection of miniature liquers (probably not the best thing to have your first drinking experience with!). So we got to work.

It was a fun night, with music blaring and much laughter about getting 'drunk'. Needless to say, the shot, salt and lemon idea didn't turn out well. At one point, I remember looking down at my hand and there was blood gushing from my finger, I had cut myself with the knife used to slice the lemon! How fun!

We were SMASHED! Not a fond memory I have to say, because my house was a thirty minute walk away and I was in no position to walk home, I could barely lift my head from the toilet seat to murmer a 'I'm ok' to my other two drunken friends! Well, the other girl who had come round had called her parents to pick her up and I was expecting her to offer me a lift home as it was on the way... No such luck. I remember realising that she had already left and I had to get home before my curfew (11 o'clock!). I feel bad but I must have left the girl who's house it was throwing up in the bathroom....

And so started the saga that was my walk (of shame) home. I don't remember much of the walk really, but I know at some point that I must have fell over and dropped my fone, you know those old ones that used to shatter into ten pieces when you dropped them? Those pieces were in my pocket the following morning, along with some bruised and scratched knees from my falling over!

The part that will always stick in my mind though will be the humiliation of getting home... I just remember my mom's boyfriend (at the time)'s face looming in front of me by the front door. After which being swiflty carted off to the bathroom by my mom, who thought it neccessary, in between throwing up, to pull down my trousers so that I could wee with the comment, 'I didn't know you had started puberty Lauren!'. How embarrassing.

I think that incident stayed in my mind just because of that little comment, and I will remember it forever... Anyway, I awoke in my mom's bed in the morning hung over and shouted at for leaving my friend throwing up at her house. I was just annoyed that I had to walk all that way home by myself, god nows what could have happened to me, thank god I ran into an older girl I knew around the village who escorted me home after seeing the state I was in!!

Anyhoo, if you would like to share your first experience with alcohol please do!! (Don't be shy)

I will follow with other comments on life, such as funny stories or things that I have come to realise in my 22 years on this earth!